It’s been awhile since I have updated or even given thought to my life in a… narrower scope…
I have been at this point of numbness… of knowing that I am existing, but, not existing well. Do you follow?
I have inwardly been dealing with too much… not allowing those around me to help heal me. Shutting my heart and senses off because I am wounded. Acting too cynical, and not being serious about life’s struggles. I would even claim that I was a horrific grace-abuser, and that in doing so, I quenched growth; I quenched the spirit because I put my God in a box. I would not allow for there to be change. I would not allow for there to be healing… because, with my pride, I was too much too proud.
Sometimes, it just takes standing to be met by God. To exist. Really. I have felt like I have been going through the motions, trying too hard in certain areas and not caring enough in others. I refused to see that I was being carried.
That despite my stubbornness, and refusal to seek help, someone came under me and has been carrying me through it all- protecting me through it all… clearing my head and pointing me to scripture that provides healing.
This past week, I had the privilege of being a youth camp counselor with our high school ministry… and I was NO WHERE near prepared. I never am… but this one, I went into with no prayer. No expectations… no desire… I just showed up… and INSTANTLY, I was being filled by the Lord… by the loving girls within my cabin, to the messages that were so pressing upon my heart… the quiet time that left me hearing the voice of the Lord clearly, and truly in my life… finding a weight lifted off my shoulders in one specific area, and clearing my head from the struggles of sin I face when I am back home… living my everyday life.
I was reminded of the poem “Footprints,” that when I am weak, my Lord, my God is carrying me… He asks us to give Him our burdens, for in exchange, His yoke is easy… and as I come to find myself at the end of a season, I see that the Lord has been supporting my ever quietly, and ever intentionally.
I know that I am still wounded in a certain area… and I am constantly reminded of it on a daily basis… but I know that my God is with me, and that He desires restoration and healing to come through it. I ask that you all would be in prayer for my family… with out getting into the nitty gritty, my parents are going through a difficult time and they BOTH need to see the Savior clearly- not too liberally and reactionary, and DEF not in the legalistic sense either. They just need to meet the unperverted God of the Bible… and be satisfied in HIM and not in the words and actions of men and preachers… I also ask that you would pray for humility for each of them, seeing as their pride is what is hindering a lot of healing to occur.
And I would ask that you pray for me, as I find it difficult to discuss anything regarding God because of the instant quarrel my mom has towards me- thinking that I am “unsaved” and “hell-bound.” It’s a very difficult place to be in for me, and trying to be respectful when they object to ministry and the such… Please be praying for wisdom on my part for if I should move out, seeing as I am 25, or stay and try to work through the situation with them until I graduate college…